Family and all that

I took some vacation time to go home and help my grandfather celebrate his 94th birthday.  Huzzah!  Going home, like for most people, can be difficult.  There have been happenings and dynamics on that side of the family, in particular, that make it easy to embrace living about 400 miles away from the crew, and I'm sure that the distance, not just for me, but for two others, is what makes it all the more concentrated and difficult.

Given that our family's main language of love is presence, and given the advanced age of Poppop, it still seemed important to go home, so home I went.  And I was really glad and surprised to be so.  Difficulties weren't there, at least not in the ways I was expecting.  Outside of Poppop obviously not feeling his best (it turned out he has the flu), it really was fun to connect with family members.

I also saw Grandma, and that was a bit of a shock.  She's always been this fiercely independent woman, who now is suffering from dementia and isn't able to walk on her own or talk on her own.  It was truly good to be able to go out and see her, and have her remember me, as well as being on hand to help Mom with cleaning out Grandma's Assisted Care room and all the emotions of the day.

I really felt like crying when I was getting ready to get on the train back to Boston.  I love my family, but it was truly hard to separate myself from them.  I haven't felt that in a long time, and for that I'm grateful.

Upping the Ante

Small group's been going, well, going.  We've had a lot of good conversations around money and poverty and loving the poor through our lifestyles and our choices.  We've knit and crocheted (or tried to knit and crochet) for homeless teens in Somerville and Cambridge.  And we're starting to plan our trip to Haiti in earnest.

Here's what I'm finding out about myself:

• I know a lot less about all of this stuff than I thought or imagined.
• It's HAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD to put the warm, fuzzy ideas of how to live more in line with these thoughts and teachings.  That goes hand in hand with my desire for there to be a magic button for me to push and all of my personal life's difficulties, perceived or true, to make everything right.
• There are people far more motivated than me in my small group who continuously kick my butt in terms of how long, how deep and how broad they've already been thinking about these issues, and what they've done in response.  And it's hard to stay a step or two ahead of them in terms of prep and leading.  And that can be hard to come to terms with.
• I'm being shown a lot of grace by said people.  For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm in a group of "equals", in that we're all kicking each other's butt and pushing each other toward bigger and better things.

And they showed me lots o' love on Tuesday (my, cough, cough, 41st birthday).  I was having a sorta crappy day/week, and they turned it into a low-key love fest.  Since birthdays are hugely important to me, and I was feeling all sorts of put-out that I had to work and lead a small group, their love for me in those 2 hours really soothed my soul in a huge way.

We're ending our discussions and time with Lazarus at the Gate soon.  We've been researching organizations that do all sorts of work, and forming a good blueprint in terms of what to think about.  Again, butt being kicked, but I feel like that's a very helpful thing.  I'm liking the framework others are setting up in terms of how to do research and what to look for.  I need to redo my own research, but am grateful for all the growing that's happening.  Soon we'll be on to trip planning and Heroic Leadership-ing.

Awesome...

A Big Hmmmmm...

So, we have some attrition in our group.  I think a couple of people were "iffy" anyway, but one other person- someone who was very key to a number of people joining - opted out.  Whether that's a permanent opting-out of our group or just for now remains to be seen.  I wasn't there and am playing catch-up.

Budgets have been really tough to discuss.  It's taken us 4 weeks to get everybody to think and share about how they're spending money, with all sorts of drama both hidden and open spilling out.  O me of naivete!  My coleader called that one, but I don't know that either one of us were prepared for how it all came out.  The opting out seems at least in part due to this stuff, and of course, there are all sorts of anxieties and fears.  One thing Mako pointed out to those who were in training was that salary and finances are incredibly personal things.  Having grown up in the 80's where "greed was good", it seems hard to believe that there still aren't some vestiges of bragging rites over how much you make, but then again, different times, different people, etc.

What was encouraging for me was to hear the stories behind the money stories:  of where the lightbulbs of family background went off when we looked at our current budget; to hear of people making mistakes not unlike my own; and to hear stories of provision.  The whole purpose is for us to love one another and draw close to God, and my bigger hope is that God would set us free so that we can be generous with others.  May there be healing in what we shared and freedom.

Love, grace and identity

We had taken a break in our group last week.  One woman was preparing for a relative's funeral (one who shouldn't have died); a man had suffered the deaths of two friends in the space of a week; another woman's coworker just discovered her daughter had the most aggressive form of leukemia there is and would be facing over a year in chemo, with little guarantee of a successful outcome. 

Others brought heavy hearts over other stuff happening in their lives.  So we took a breath and prayed and worshipped, setting aside the agenda for the evening.

This week, others were sick, others didn't show, and we were left with three.  We've been delaying our budget conversation so that all could be there, and we could expose this often very private part of our lives to everyone, and experience grace.  The three of us motored on, and were touched, saddened and encouraged by God's work in our lives despite bad decisions, even worse circumstances, and whatever the economy and the enemy had to throw at us.

I came home and decided to watch at least a part of Glee.  The main storyline was about Kurt, an openly gay student, and the hardship he faces due to bullying.  Yet the story ballooned out, and before I knew it, it was about how we all yearn for love and acceptance.  Kurt is stunned by an unexpected kiss at one point; he says, "I've never been kissed; not, at least, on purpose like that."  Another character spoke of the loneliness of following the path she felt she was uniquely gifted to go on, yet how challenging it was to find a man to share her journey. 

Each story, ours in the group included, had someone who came alongside the character, offering hope, encouragement, and, beyond all else, connection. 

Above all else, those are things I really long for in my own life, and in our group.  May it be so...

And there it is...

We met again last night (as Tuesday night-meeting groups tend to do).  I wasn't sure how this week was going to go, since we were having a money/budget talk.  Things tend to get touchy when you go into the realm of finances, as has been told to me by several people in advance of this week.  And since we were missing people last week, I wasn't sure if we'd be playing to a full-ish house or if we were already experiencing attrition that would continue until it was just Sheila and me holding the tatters of what was once a promising group.

But then, people showed up: the faithful core I was sure would come.  And, later, those I thought had given up on us.  What was even more amazing was what some members were going through and STILL they came.  One member had a friend who was literally on her deathbed (he got the call that they were about to take her off lifesupport that night).  Another had a family member shot and killed over the weekend.  And I had my first first-hand experience of being with people who could give me insights into the differences between what TV reports as news and what real life looks like.  No easy answers, just a lot of pain, and a better glimpse at issues I've only dealt with in passing.  It truly felt sacred, in that God was there and He was opening my eyes and our hearts to step into that gap of being with our friends and praying through something that was truly foreign to many of us and our experience.  A foretaste, I think, of the journey to come.

One of the words I heard from God when Sheila and I were initially praying for this group was "Band of Brothers" (like the HBO miniseries by Stephen Spielberg and Tom Hanks).  They bonded over and through battles and being with each other in the midst of whatever was flung their way. 

The challenge and invitation is to step in and not draw back, and to be present, truly present.

May it be so...

Peace...

Life has been amazing recently. We had a big weekend for choir and vocal core, and I was leading the rehearsals and (technically) the performances on Sunday. I can get pretty frazzled about that, but it felt challenging yet good at the same time.

There have been some scheduling pileups as well, with no way of getting everything done and done well. Dinners, cat-sitting, and (today) counseling while catsitting and not having my Zipcard....and yet, I've been pretty calm, not fretful when I would normally be that way, not resentful when people don't come through as I want or need or expect them to, and even a bit happy and compassionate in the process. WTF?!?!?

I think someone's praying for me...

And my small group is. Someone's word for me this week was that Joy, peace and love were my inheritance. Word...

Frosty the Snowman...

So, it was my turn to be prayed for in terms of a superhero identity this past week. Hurrah! Since it was such a great week last week, I really expected the moon. We were missing some folks, though, and it seemed everyone (including me) was fighting something- distractions for sure. What struck me was Sheila's picture for me, which was Frosty the Snowman. Her sense was that God was saying that, like Frosty, there was something in me that made me approachable (I'm guessing a jolly, happy soul), and that, also like Frosty, I was adaptable regardless of the format. Makes me giggly to think that so far God has called me out as a cartoon character (Jolly Green Giant being the other one) in terms of a superhero, and that both are happy and big, one way or another.

We started the Lazarus material as well, and I felt like I was talking in circles. Probably was. We had some good sharing about our money stories, and it was great to hear people's miracle stories as well- Chacha getting a reduced payment on her loans because she's supporting 9 people in the DR and Haiti; Manny and his "lottery ticket" gifting; and Sara with her odd job blessing that's helping her make ends meet. Sheila warned me before we started that this can be a particularly tricky subject for people to talk about, and I'm definitely feeling it to be true for me. We'll see how people do in the coming weeks.

It's still fun, and now we're getting into the hard stuff.