40?!?!?!?

I have a hard time with being vulnerable. And so, it's been hard to know how to field the "you're 40? How do you feel about that?" questions.

I'm happy to be alive, don't get me wrong. But 40 seems to be (not just for me) a time of reflection on your life to date as you transition out of the realm of "young adulthood" into the next one (middle age? I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet).

With that reflection, though, comes some of the pain of what I thought life would be like for me at this point. Yeah, the traditional husband and kids, but other things as well. 40 seems to have been this indelible boundary by which I was to have done or accumulated or otherwise achieved all sorts of things, some of which I'm well aware of, and some of which are shadowy thoughts and feelings in the background. As Susan Isaacs would say, middle-class white girl problems, but still they're my problems.

Which is why I'm grateful for a number of things: first, Susan's book "Angry Conversations with God" which gives me an outlet to laugh, cry, and be able to hear God in a different light while I wrestle with my middle-class white girl problems. My family and friends, who are still with me and listen to me and help me to wrestle my way through the emotions of it all. My friend Stacey, who was a great example to me the other night of being at peace with not having the life I wanted. My upcoming trip to Europe, where I get to connect with old friends and have tons of time to celebrate the life I've lived to this point. And, a clean slate with new goals and dreams and hopes, which God has been steadily shaping and providing for me. Hokey, but true.

A Walk Down Memory Lane: The Early Years Part 1

Memories from my early years usually swirl around Christmas time. My grandmother Saalbach (affectionately known as "Mommom") really, really, really, REALLY loved Christmas. I remember huge "family" (only in quotes because "family" usually meant not only real relations, but tons of honorary family members, people who didn't have anyone to celebrate with whom my grandparents invited along) dinners around her dining room table (at least 15 to 20 people), with her really good crystal china being used, along with cloth tablecloths and napkins). There would be a huge turkey or ham, which Poppop would carve at one end of the table. There were lots of sides, including cream onions and rolls which my mom had freshly baked.

My grandparents' bungalow had a fireplace, which was almost always lit, and there was always music playing in the background. Everyone was dressed up as if it were a formal dinner (and it was treated as such!). We kids would help set the table (with frilly 50's-era aprons) and would help clear after dinner was done. Poppop's carving station was replaced with a coffee and dessert station, where he would slice up everybody's choice of pie: either pumpkin (which the kids loved) or mincemeat (which the kids would make fun of and the adults would eat).

Presents usually were before dinner, and were piled high in front of the big floor-sized television, on top of which was an artificial tree decorated with lights and other ornaments from the 30's. There was a lot of "oohing" and "aahing" that came with The Opening Of the Presents, and sometimes demonstrations of how clothes would fit or how certain toys would work.

Part 2 soon...

Memories...

So, yes, I turned 40 not too long ago (Bless you to all of those who were genuinely shocked at that revelation!). So far, 40 is treating me well. Good celebrations, good times with friends, and a family that loves me through teasing T-shirts (whose pictures I will post when I get my act together).



I had planned a series of celebrations for a number of reasons, including that I couldn't decide on just one thing I wanted to do with a large group of people. So I proposed a multiple choice party, or "birthday smorgasbord" if you will.



At the first of four events, a friend asked me to share one favorite memory from each of my decades. This ended up being a great way to reflect on life to date, as well as share more from my soul, so I'll be sharing those memories here (and probably adding more to the mix since more keep coming to mind). And refraining from singing "Memories" (either the "Cats" version or the Barbara Streisand version). But I digress...



First on the list: 0-10

Another year, another trip

40 seems to be a big year for reflective thinking and big trips. Given that other people are taking over our church's Haiti partnership, I have time and energy to explore other parts of the world. What I should be doing is going somewhere exotic and warm, or take a physically-challenging trip where I'm climbing mountains or exploring jungles. Instead, I'm taking a trip around Central Europe where I'll be reconnecting with friends from many parts from my past. I'm expecting lots of laughter, sharing, and, oh yes, potatoes.

More stories to come, so stay tuned.

Up Down All Around

It's been a roller-coaster week.

Sunday was the last worship service (for this season, anyway) at the Boston site of my church, and it was both wild and wonderful and really sad.

Work has been both insanely quiet (with most of the people I support out of the office for various reasons) and insanely busy (as people have prepared both for being out of the office and potential new business).

My time with God has both been up (Thursday morning reflecting on my dating life and some of the ways God is maturing me both in that and on a bigger level) and horribly down (that same day, not dealing well with the life stuff I've been facing for longer than I really wish).

Up and down still seems better than the evenness (read, "shut down") of my earlier years.

Killing Me Softly...

Friends from all parts of my life have remarked on my (super)ability to match up the prevailing mood with an appropriate song (also from all parts of my life). Don't know how to harness it fully for the good of mankind, but today it's serving as inspiration for my next post.

Killing Me Softly seems to be the theme of what God is doing in my life lately. I had another little death today as I had to weigh out whether 'tis better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (or, in my case, to sit on how I was feeling about a particular situation and person contained within said situation) or to swallow my fear and general unwillingness to confront unless provoked and own up to needing to talk things through.

Many reasons why this is hard, even though I can be pretty gutsy otherwise, but today it was feeling like I already sensed what may be the reasons for said situation and could live with where things stood. But my tears anytime I thought about the situation spoke otherwise. So, I bit the bullet and had a really nice conversation, where now feelings have been aired, situation has been talked through, and we're both in a better place of understanding of each other. Really, there was no real reason why things would have been any different, since this person is amazing at all things regarding a good talking-out. Chalk it up to a great many more people who really aren't.

With death comes resurrection. In more ways than one, here. Pride and fear gave way to deeper friendship and understanding, and hope for how things will go in the future.

The ups and downs of trips

Is it lame to say that I need to start all over again?

Here's the scoop:

Got back from my trip to Haiti in September, where I had learned tons of interesting ways the non-profit community are reaching out to high-need areas (and that Matt Damon was also in the mix; go figure). Could see some ways our church could get practically involved. Met with a pastor who asked if we could slow down a bit and see where this was going. Huh?

Turns out that a couple of other worthy initiatives were just starting to take off which were a bit more closely linked with members of our church, and sure enough, those initiatives quickly gathered steam and WHAM-O! Haiti has been set aside, at least for now, at least for me.

This is all part of the rollercoaster that is following God. It's taken a while for me to let go of this. At first I was going to plan a trip that would be a closure sort of thing- follow through on training for a church we met up with. That idea just recently got reexamined as it's been a hard spring with a death in the family, a death in the workplace, and the demise of a ministry in the church.

With death comes resurrection, at least in God's take on reality, and I'm hopeful that I'll be shown what my next steps are. Needless to say, pursuing practical ways to love the poor has reshaped my thoughts in terms of loving the world at large.