40?!?!?!?

I have a hard time with being vulnerable. And so, it's been hard to know how to field the "you're 40? How do you feel about that?" questions.

I'm happy to be alive, don't get me wrong. But 40 seems to be (not just for me) a time of reflection on your life to date as you transition out of the realm of "young adulthood" into the next one (middle age? I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet).

With that reflection, though, comes some of the pain of what I thought life would be like for me at this point. Yeah, the traditional husband and kids, but other things as well. 40 seems to have been this indelible boundary by which I was to have done or accumulated or otherwise achieved all sorts of things, some of which I'm well aware of, and some of which are shadowy thoughts and feelings in the background. As Susan Isaacs would say, middle-class white girl problems, but still they're my problems.

Which is why I'm grateful for a number of things: first, Susan's book "Angry Conversations with God" which gives me an outlet to laugh, cry, and be able to hear God in a different light while I wrestle with my middle-class white girl problems. My family and friends, who are still with me and listen to me and help me to wrestle my way through the emotions of it all. My friend Stacey, who was a great example to me the other night of being at peace with not having the life I wanted. My upcoming trip to Europe, where I get to connect with old friends and have tons of time to celebrate the life I've lived to this point. And, a clean slate with new goals and dreams and hopes, which God has been steadily shaping and providing for me. Hokey, but true.

A Walk Down Memory Lane: The Early Years Part 1

Memories from my early years usually swirl around Christmas time. My grandmother Saalbach (affectionately known as "Mommom") really, really, really, REALLY loved Christmas. I remember huge "family" (only in quotes because "family" usually meant not only real relations, but tons of honorary family members, people who didn't have anyone to celebrate with whom my grandparents invited along) dinners around her dining room table (at least 15 to 20 people), with her really good crystal china being used, along with cloth tablecloths and napkins). There would be a huge turkey or ham, which Poppop would carve at one end of the table. There were lots of sides, including cream onions and rolls which my mom had freshly baked.

My grandparents' bungalow had a fireplace, which was almost always lit, and there was always music playing in the background. Everyone was dressed up as if it were a formal dinner (and it was treated as such!). We kids would help set the table (with frilly 50's-era aprons) and would help clear after dinner was done. Poppop's carving station was replaced with a coffee and dessert station, where he would slice up everybody's choice of pie: either pumpkin (which the kids loved) or mincemeat (which the kids would make fun of and the adults would eat).

Presents usually were before dinner, and were piled high in front of the big floor-sized television, on top of which was an artificial tree decorated with lights and other ornaments from the 30's. There was a lot of "oohing" and "aahing" that came with The Opening Of the Presents, and sometimes demonstrations of how clothes would fit or how certain toys would work.

Part 2 soon...

Memories...

So, yes, I turned 40 not too long ago (Bless you to all of those who were genuinely shocked at that revelation!). So far, 40 is treating me well. Good celebrations, good times with friends, and a family that loves me through teasing T-shirts (whose pictures I will post when I get my act together).



I had planned a series of celebrations for a number of reasons, including that I couldn't decide on just one thing I wanted to do with a large group of people. So I proposed a multiple choice party, or "birthday smorgasbord" if you will.



At the first of four events, a friend asked me to share one favorite memory from each of my decades. This ended up being a great way to reflect on life to date, as well as share more from my soul, so I'll be sharing those memories here (and probably adding more to the mix since more keep coming to mind). And refraining from singing "Memories" (either the "Cats" version or the Barbara Streisand version). But I digress...



First on the list: 0-10

Another year, another trip

40 seems to be a big year for reflective thinking and big trips. Given that other people are taking over our church's Haiti partnership, I have time and energy to explore other parts of the world. What I should be doing is going somewhere exotic and warm, or take a physically-challenging trip where I'm climbing mountains or exploring jungles. Instead, I'm taking a trip around Central Europe where I'll be reconnecting with friends from many parts from my past. I'm expecting lots of laughter, sharing, and, oh yes, potatoes.

More stories to come, so stay tuned.