GAH!

The older I get, the less GAH moments there are for me to experience. YET, I'm always having to bite my tongue because there's ALWAYS something that comes up, out from left field and behind the Green Monster (so to speak).



I led worship for the Leaders' meeting a few Saturdays ago. That doesn't sound so intimidating, but I was asked the night before, and I've never done it on my own, and haven't played keyboard in about a month, so...GAH! I'm still working out singing and playing at the same time. I still feel like a third string player on a roster of A-listers in terms of the talent we've got musically in our church. And, yes, I get performance anxiety. No matter how much is said about vulnerability in worship, and just making a joyful noise, I'm still aware that I'm in the midst of people who have professional-level skills and training, and here am I in the midst of them.

Dave did talk about going to a worship leaders' gathering in Zurich and talked about how powerful worship was, as it was coming out of a place of firm faith in the midst of incredibly challenging circumstances. It reminded me of my last year in Poland, when in the midst of all the family chaos and strife, and having to make difficult decisions, I still had to lead worship for our church. It was more about choosing to believe God was all the things I was singing about and standing in that, and it was pretty powerful for me (and, I later heard from those in the church, for them as well).

I'm still working on not feeling like I always have to pretend to have it all together, both in worship leading as well as in most things I do. This season seems to be about feeling the strength of God as I do things I'm not always comfortable with, or stepping off the ledge (like in Indiana Jones) and trusting that there's a walkway underneath me to carry me over.

And we've launched

New small group started last night. We're going to explore global poverty, our lifestyles, our talents, our "superhero" identities and how it can all work together to befriend and mutually help people in Haiti. Sheila did a great job going through a story from Heroic Leadership by Chris Lowney that has us thinking about what helping other people out spiritually can actually mean. I'm excited for how this is all coming together. I'm praying for a Band of Brothers to go through this with us.

When I grow up...

So, part of my journey now that I'm 40 is assessing where I am and where I want to go. I signed up for career coaching with a friend from my LINK days, Brent, to figure out what kinds of work I'd best enjoy/be suited for/wouldn't bang my head against the wall whilst doing. I've shared this news with a variety of people and got a number of reactions, but the common question is, "So, have there been any surprises?"

To me, that question itself is a surprise because I've been hoping that this process would reveal something incredibly new and exciting and my whole life would transform into this happy bubble of unicorns and lollipops. But I guess that, by now, there are very few true surprises left, since I've spent 40 years getting to know who I am. Which is both comforting and depressing.

In all honesty, I don't know that I ever had a "when I grow up, I want to be..." moment. I spent a lot of time around my grandparents, for whom doing well was a big deal. I was encouraged to go into computers because they saw this as a good ticket to success, not because it was necessarily something I was good at or liked.

So, I guess that, despite the wide variety in things I've done for fun or for work or "just because", it is surprising that my interests gravitate toward teaching or leading other people. The Top 10 list that was generated by the surveys I took came out with "librarian, top executive officer, military officer, corporate trainer, ESL instructor, college instructor, college professor, chef", some of which I've actually done (I'll leave it up to y'all to figure out which ones) and leave me wondering where I'd be if I had pursued those paths further than what I had done.

Thankfully, this is just another step down the whole path for me. That list isn't a straight-jacket for career options, and my mind is already playing around with what's possible given everything in my life (experiences, interests, actual skills, etc.).

More to come...

THE Trip

It's been five months since the Big Trip to Europe. Lots to say about it, and I'll share snippets here and there.

For now, let me say that I really love traveling. It's been incredible to have the opportunity to go to different parts of the world and see different cultures up front and personal, and NOT in a Disney World sort of way (nothing against Disney World; it's one of my favorite places, but highly artificial in terms of the "world culture" it exhibits). Many fun moments in this trip, and, true to form, God did the wacky and got me stuck an extra week due to the volcanic ash cloud (really, how much more random does THAT sound?!?!!?).

The things I'm taking away from my time are the long train rides where Don Miller and Sue Monk Kidd were my companions; renewing old friendships (including one from my grad school days in a new-to-me country); other wacky travel adventures; speaking other languages (and being able to negotiate! YES, I've arrived!); and playing with kids young and old. Sigh....

Upcoming trips: going to Disney World (told you it was one of my favorite places!) with my nephew, niece, brother, sister and her hubby; Haiti in the spring and maybe, fingers crossed, Australia.