Family and all that

I took some vacation time to go home and help my grandfather celebrate his 94th birthday.  Huzzah!  Going home, like for most people, can be difficult.  There have been happenings and dynamics on that side of the family, in particular, that make it easy to embrace living about 400 miles away from the crew, and I'm sure that the distance, not just for me, but for two others, is what makes it all the more concentrated and difficult.

Given that our family's main language of love is presence, and given the advanced age of Poppop, it still seemed important to go home, so home I went.  And I was really glad and surprised to be so.  Difficulties weren't there, at least not in the ways I was expecting.  Outside of Poppop obviously not feeling his best (it turned out he has the flu), it really was fun to connect with family members.

I also saw Grandma, and that was a bit of a shock.  She's always been this fiercely independent woman, who now is suffering from dementia and isn't able to walk on her own or talk on her own.  It was truly good to be able to go out and see her, and have her remember me, as well as being on hand to help Mom with cleaning out Grandma's Assisted Care room and all the emotions of the day.

I really felt like crying when I was getting ready to get on the train back to Boston.  I love my family, but it was truly hard to separate myself from them.  I haven't felt that in a long time, and for that I'm grateful.

Upping the Ante

Small group's been going, well, going.  We've had a lot of good conversations around money and poverty and loving the poor through our lifestyles and our choices.  We've knit and crocheted (or tried to knit and crochet) for homeless teens in Somerville and Cambridge.  And we're starting to plan our trip to Haiti in earnest.

Here's what I'm finding out about myself:

• I know a lot less about all of this stuff than I thought or imagined.
• It's HAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD to put the warm, fuzzy ideas of how to live more in line with these thoughts and teachings.  That goes hand in hand with my desire for there to be a magic button for me to push and all of my personal life's difficulties, perceived or true, to make everything right.
• There are people far more motivated than me in my small group who continuously kick my butt in terms of how long, how deep and how broad they've already been thinking about these issues, and what they've done in response.  And it's hard to stay a step or two ahead of them in terms of prep and leading.  And that can be hard to come to terms with.
• I'm being shown a lot of grace by said people.  For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm in a group of "equals", in that we're all kicking each other's butt and pushing each other toward bigger and better things.

And they showed me lots o' love on Tuesday (my, cough, cough, 41st birthday).  I was having a sorta crappy day/week, and they turned it into a low-key love fest.  Since birthdays are hugely important to me, and I was feeling all sorts of put-out that I had to work and lead a small group, their love for me in those 2 hours really soothed my soul in a huge way.

We're ending our discussions and time with Lazarus at the Gate soon.  We've been researching organizations that do all sorts of work, and forming a good blueprint in terms of what to think about.  Again, butt being kicked, but I feel like that's a very helpful thing.  I'm liking the framework others are setting up in terms of how to do research and what to look for.  I need to redo my own research, but am grateful for all the growing that's happening.  Soon we'll be on to trip planning and Heroic Leadership-ing.

Awesome...