40?!?!?!?

I have a hard time with being vulnerable. And so, it's been hard to know how to field the "you're 40? How do you feel about that?" questions.

I'm happy to be alive, don't get me wrong. But 40 seems to be (not just for me) a time of reflection on your life to date as you transition out of the realm of "young adulthood" into the next one (middle age? I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet).

With that reflection, though, comes some of the pain of what I thought life would be like for me at this point. Yeah, the traditional husband and kids, but other things as well. 40 seems to have been this indelible boundary by which I was to have done or accumulated or otherwise achieved all sorts of things, some of which I'm well aware of, and some of which are shadowy thoughts and feelings in the background. As Susan Isaacs would say, middle-class white girl problems, but still they're my problems.

Which is why I'm grateful for a number of things: first, Susan's book "Angry Conversations with God" which gives me an outlet to laugh, cry, and be able to hear God in a different light while I wrestle with my middle-class white girl problems. My family and friends, who are still with me and listen to me and help me to wrestle my way through the emotions of it all. My friend Stacey, who was a great example to me the other night of being at peace with not having the life I wanted. My upcoming trip to Europe, where I get to connect with old friends and have tons of time to celebrate the life I've lived to this point. And, a clean slate with new goals and dreams and hopes, which God has been steadily shaping and providing for me. Hokey, but true.